Monday, 27th June 2016.
Today is a sad day. For the past ten weeks, I have had a Monday schedule. Wake up real early because of class, go back to the office to do other stuff besides work (I hope my boss isn’t reading this), avoid the internet completely because of spoilers and once 8 pm rolls around watch perhaps the greatest fantasy television series ever created. But alas, this shall be the last episode of season 6. Hence the sadness. That and there’s no food in my fridge.
So I prepare myself a fantastic supper of lemon tea and dreams of better days as I amplify the sound of this totally awesome theme song. I never skip the theme song. That is sacrilege! I lock the door, curl up in my Maasai shuka and pray to Jesus that Kenya Power won’t interrupt me.
Spoilers are coming.
Winter is here btw. But that comes later in the episode.
Today’s opening scene is the trial of Loras Tyrell and the Queen Mother, Cersei Lannister. Everyone is gathered in Baelor’s sept because they have nothing better to do. Everyone except Cersei that is. And that fool of a king, Tommen. And, you know, other people who have stuff to do. Loras confesses to his crimes and gets the faith militant’s symbol carved into his forehead. It’s painful to watch.
Elsewhere, Maester Pycelle is lured into an underground cellar where little children proceed to kill him by stabbing him 6000 times. The same fate awaits little Lancel Lannister who is a curious fellow. After the High Sparrow sends him to find Cersei, he sees a little boy and follows him underground, like those white people in horror movies who always go towards the sound. What is wrong with you people? If you had listened to me, you’d still be alive! But I digress. Lancel is stabbed. Poor him.
Upstairs, Margery suspects something is wrong and she is right. But she’ll die anyway. Underground, we can see barrels of green goo. Wild fire, you guy! Omg!
Sadly, or quite efficiently, the wildfire kills everyone in the sept instantly. A clear case of, if you don’t have to be somewhere, why go? Words to live by, my friends. But the High Sparrow is dead, so Yaaay!
Next, we see Cersei “confessing” to Sister Shame. She brings in the Mountain who I’m sure will do terrible things to her. Cersei then walks away chiding the Septa with the words, “Shame. Shame. Shame.”
Tommen then, overcome with emotion, jumps out a window and is dead. DEAD! He was a kind little boy, but a terrible king. I wished him death more than once. And now that he is dead, I’m sad a little. Still glad he’s dead though.
Let’s skip the part about Jaimie and Walder Frey.
Samwell Tarly is still alive. He made it to the Citadel. Good for him.
In Winterfell, Ser Davos confronts Melisandre before Jon. She confesses to burning Shireen Baratheon. Davos wants to execute her, you know, for justice and stuff. Jon banishes her to the south instead.
Jon and Sansa have a heart-to-heart where Sansa tells him that to her, he is a Stark. Aaaaaaaaawwwwww.
Olena Tyrell (the old woman with sass) is seen in Dorne with the fellowship of the killer bitches. I can’t imagine what for. We’ll have to wait till season 7 to see that plan. Varys is there. Should be interesting.
Daenerys breaks up with Daario coz, the Queen can’t have no lovers if she wants to rule. Oh, Queen Dany… Wait, if Dany can’t have children and she becomes Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, if she dies, what’ll happen next? Hmmm. And one of her titles is “The Unburnt” but can she be killed by wild fire? Yes? No? The uncertainty is killing me!
Tyrion offers Queen Khaleesi his counsel always and forever and she, in turn, offers Tyrion the title of Hand of the Queen. It’s so disgustingly touching.
Travel with me to the Riverlands, where Arya (bae) baked some Freys into a cake and fed them to their father! Crap on a bicycle! She then slices Walder Frey’s throat and watches him die with a smile on her face. Arya is bae. And she’s almost home! #Fangirling
Back at Winterfell, Littlefinger declares his fetish for Redheads but Sansa be like, “Dude, what the hell?” The north will not rally behind the bastard, he says. He pictures himself on the iron throne with Sansa by his side. Sansa who was born of Ned and Catelyn Stark and the true-born heir of Winterfell. Sansa tells him that that’s a wonderful picture and then nonchalantly walks away. I LOLed so hard.
Bran goes back in time and the fan theory R + L = J is confirmed and the book fans go apeshit crazy over hurr.
Jon is then declared the King in the North by the spunky Lady Mormont. The tell-it-like-it-is, no-nonsense head of House Mormont makes me happy. The other Houses rally behind her (much to Littlefinger’s very visible disappointment) and now Jon Snow, is King Jon Snow. Where the hell is Ghost?! Is he still on leave?
Jaime comes home to the coronation of Queen Cersei, who was already Queen Cersei but is now Queen Cersei. Heads will roll.
Back in Mereen, Queen Daenerys Khaleesi Drogo is sailing towards Westeros. Finally! After six friggin’ seasons in the desert mayne! But wait, Varys is on the boat with Khaleesi. Omg! Are there two Varyses…Varyees… Vari? How did he get to Mereen from Dorne so fast? I smell shenanigans!
I can’t wait for April 2017.