Usually, on Fridays, I like to spend the evening binging TV shows. Currently, I’m on season 7 of House MD and I think it’s the longest commitment I have made to something since Game of Thrones or Grey’s Anatomy or … you know… my marriage. But it’s almost over so I thank God for that.
House MD, not my marriage.
Or Grey’s Anatomy.
This Friday, however, I spent the afternoon wasting time playing online games. Asphalt 9 to be exact. This game has become one of my favourite pastimes – and the reason I haven’t done any work today. See, we (the people who play this game) got an update recently. The kind of updates that don’t wait for your consent to install they’re just like “Yo, this is the new game. You have to update to play. Otherwise, you can suck it!” Sometimes it’s cool like when you are in the office and you have all the free internet you need, other times you wonder how a game can be 3 GB in size. Anyway, updates mean that they add new “exciting” features and me, as a man, I am fascinated by new.
But how can virtual racing be exciting?
Well, I’m glad you asked. Asphalt 9, like many merit-based games, works like this: you win a race, you get points; you lose, points are taken away. Oh, and there are Leagues that show your progress. The weakest is Bronze League (the worst cars in the game live here) once you beat that depressing level, you are promoted to Silver. Silver is nice if you like mediocrity. You can live here for a while but you’ll get bored real quick. The first day of a new season is spent trying to get out of this stage and into the next one which is the Gold League – my favourite car lives here. I wish it was faster but it’s in Gold for a reason. Gold is average.
If you make it out of Gold (usually after many many days) you get to Platinum. Now a lesser being would assume this is the best league to be in and that being would be only partly right. It takes forever to make it out of here. 12 days on average but once you’re out of here you go to the ultimate league.
Anyway, this afternoon, there was a bug in the game. A glitch. And friends, glitches are bad things but this one was sent by the Lord God of heaven Himuselfu. When Jesus says “Yes” nobody can say no. This bug bypassed the merit system and gave points whether I won or not. It was glorious! I made Legend League in just two hours.
Now that’s not a big deal to you guys but you do not know the magnitude of this achievement. I feel like telling my boss to give me a raise because if I can make Legend in two hours, I can do anything.
But, like most good things, they come to an end. The bug was fixed and my winning streak was over. At least on my work computer. I figured that maybe, just maybe, the Lord had extended His goodness to my home computer. You know, the one I’m supposed to use to write blog posts and stuff.
Thing is though, I had not updated the game on that machine so that was the first order of business. So I went home and went straight for the computer, didn’t greet my wife, nor the cat – straight to the computer. Like the ideal husband I am. I clicked on the update button and waited. And waited. And oh Lord Jesus, how I waited. Four hours sped by before the thing was finished.
Oh, in those four hours I greeted my wife, had supper, played with the cat, had a shower, pooped. (I should have pooped before going into the shower. I know that now). Anyway, I wasn’t just staring at the screen willing the progress bar to move with my eyes.
So, the app updated right? I was finally able to try and see whether I can exploit the shortcomings of the app developers. Kind of how people wait for Safaricom to mess up so they can loot free bundles and stuff. Personally, I’ve never been a beneficiary of these hacks – I always know about them days after they happen. It’s sad and I demand justice.
Whatever. Back to my story. The game updates and I think it’s time to unleash the wrath of Legend League cars but the game won’t start.
I sit there, puzzled because I cannot believe that I just watched four hours pass by only to not play the thing. So I do what IT people do. I uninstall then reinstall it (another 2 hours) still nothing. Now I have to resort to… ugh… asking for help.
I call up my friend Shad. Since we waste time on this thing together he probably knows something I do not. This dude tells me that apparently the newly updated game needs an updated OS. The new version won’t work with an old version of Windows. I’m like, WTF? Who the heck does that? What does that even mean? Imagine having an update for… I don’t know Whatsapp and you download it but it tells you it can’t work with your current Android/IOS version. Imagine!
“So I spent all this time on the Microsoft Store for nothing?”
“Not for nothing, you just have to update your OS.”
“I could have done that in the four hours I waited for the download to finish.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“You didn’t ask.”
I need new friends.
It is now 12:18 am. Saturday morning. Eve and the cat are asleep and I’m still here staring at my Windows updates; willing the progress bar to move with my eyes.
Later that day…
It’s 9 am and my laptop battery died. I have to go into town to look for a new one.
Windows still hasn’t finished updating.
This weekend is the best!