It’s like you’re my mirror,
My mirror staring back at me
Oh oh oh
Has any of you watched/read Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events? You know, the one with the Baudelaire orphans trying to survive their evil uncle Count Olaf? Because Count Olaf wants to steal the children’s inheritance?
Me neither. But I am planning to watch it on Netflix one day. It’s on my list. Perhaps I’ll just get the books and read because the books are always better than the movies. You hear that, 13 Reasons Why fans? The book is way better. The series is rubbish!
Anywho, the reason I brought up Lemony Snicket was that I had a weird weekend. I experienced my own little series of unfortunate events.
The Journey to the Elephant Merchant
By now the six people who read this blog know that I need a car. I’m not trying to guilt thee into anything but, show thyself in mine situation. Also, Lord, because thou ownest all things, si hio gari ikuje na fuel kama yote. Please.
The Elephant Merchant, as you may have guessed, is Nakumatt. It’s my preferred merchant of choice. I think it’s because I have been bourgeois from whence I was, in the words of that aunt nobody remembers, “This small.” Also because there’s no Carrefour here and I have a Nakumatt Global card.
I had loaded up a trolley full of stuff when I realized that in a bid to maybe offset some of their debt, Nakumatt has overpriced some items. Not normal items like bread but items like fancy mayo. My bougie-ass self can notice the price change on fancy mayo. (Heinz’s fiery chilli mayonnaise. Get it. Your life will change!) But don’t get it at Nakumatt since it’s a hundred and something shillings more than it should be. VAT or no.
Unfortunately for Nakumatt, I had to leave right there and then. No one sells me mayo for more than it should be. No one!
Fortunately for the store, I am a responsible adult. I retraced my steps and put everything in my very full trolley back.
All except for some Milk Chocolate spread from Cadbury, which by the time you’re reading this would be over. I got it because I couldn’t find the Nutella.
The Major Miscommunication
I have an old phone.
Or should I say I had an old phone? I gave it to my brother but unfortunately, the screen died. I wanted to get it fixed because it is a good phone and I figured a screen replacement wouldn’t cost that much right?
Samsung told me that to replace the screen of three 3 or 4-year-old phone would cost me 13k.
I’d rather shop at Nakumatt.
A Thousand Lashes
The year was 1991, a Thursday in March. After what I assume was an easy delivery, a bouncing baby boy came into the world. I don’t know why people say bouncing babies. Perhaps it’s the suppleness of the skin. Or the ability to drop to the floor and be deflected back – but why anyone would do that to an infant is beyond me. It would explain some birthmarks though. What I do know is this particular bouncing baby was born with lashes so long they could have been used to whip Jesus.
My wife advised me to get an eyelash curler and because there’s nothing worse than getting an eyelash in your eye (except maybe shopping at Nakumatt or buying a mere screen for the price of a new phone), I agreed.
Unfortunately, the cosmetics shop didn’t even know what an eyelash curler was and tried to sell me mascara.
How in the…?
Sad thing was the mascara cost quite a lot of money.
I did not get mascara fyi, but I do feel for you 5 ladies that read this blog. Makeup is tough. I understand now why you guys fan your eyes all the time. Wouldn’t you rather just listen to Bruno Mars’ Just the Way You Are and eat chocolate?
The Foolish Horseman
On my trip back from my shopping trip, I encountered a foolish person.
I almost died. But the Lord.
There’s this guy who _ let me back up first and go chronologically.
Again, dear Lord. A car, pleeeease.
The matatu I was in had a faulty window. Could not close that thing at all. The lorry in front was carrying all the kokoto in the world. Some of which was, much like a newborn, bouncing around.
But that’s not what could have killed us.
There was a motorist in the oncoming lane that was driving closer than that song about bulges (Next – Too Close).
Almost hit us that imbecile. But the Lord was with us.
The Descent into Darkness
As the sun set on Saturday evening, my wife and I were chilling in the house. Watching random anime (get you a wife that can watch anime with you). Kenya Power apparently found out and sent out their demon of darkness to plague our lives.
I don’t need you to help me save tokens Kenya Power!
Needless to say that my plans to watch Ant-Man and the Wasp came to nought. In addition, all my devices weren’t charged so my wife and I had to talk to each other. Ugh. Talking is the worst, right?
Seven Years of Bad Luck
Before I got married, I had a full-length mirror.
After I got married, I kept the mirror but I no longer have it because now it’s broken.
Broken like a discarded eggshell. Broken like how my high school career advisor broke my dreams of pursuing architecture. Broken like a defective condom.
Broken like my hopes of shopping at Nakumatt or buying a new screen for my brother’s phone.
Mirrors break like they are taunting you. Like that seven-years-of-bad-luck superstition is true.
“Yeah, you broke me, dude! Now what?”
“You see that piece that just bounced onto your bed, I’m going to slice your throat with that one, dude.”
“Haha! There’s some of me under the bed! How did that happen? Lol!”
“Duuuude! Is this carpet? Too bad bro. It’s the tiny bits that get you.”
Cleaning up glass in the dark isn’t fun but after it was done, we took some time to reflect.
The Dying Blue Flame
Is there anything worse than shopping at Nakumatt or buying a phone screen for 13k?
Yes. Yes, there’s something infinitely worse.
Like the death of a thousand suns. Or a super blue blood red moon that you can’t see because the weather decides to turn cloudy just before the event.
Dear Lord, that weekend was rough. But I’m not complaining. But si to make up for it, si this week hio gari i’come through?
Have a great week, guys. Things can only look up from here.
Also, there should be an app review tomorrow for our technologically-inclined readers. Don’t worry, I asked Shad not to use Chipset in a sentence ever again.