No Hair

Hi there.

So, there was this one time I was asked to do a guest post and this is what I came up with.

I just found it in my OneDrive and thought, ‘Who even uses One Drive?’ Then I thought, ‘Wait, I really wrote this?’ And then I thought, ‘Damn! I really wrote this.’

If you had read it before, it’s okay. You can read it again. I’m watching House MD again and it’s just as good.


“Tell me how I’m supposed to live with no hair” – Jordin Sparks 🎶  

 It’s odd being a guest author. I mean do I make myself at home? Do I respect this space because I did not pay for this domainDo I bring gifts? Do I bring a change of clothes? Did I make sure the gas was off before I left the house? I need rules!  

Anyway, once upon a Thursday, this guy [me], was approached (read arm-twisted) to write something over here. Write about anything, she texted. “But I need it by end month.” 

“You’re giving me a deadline?” I asked.  

“Yes. No pressure though.” 

No pressure indeed.  

balancing a barbell on finger

This blog as I have come to realize is a hair and travel blog. As far as I’m concerned, I have absolutely no business making a contribution here because: 

  1. I’m a homebody and literally do not travel.  

It’s not my fault. Some people were born with wanderlust in their bloodstreams. They enjoy the smell of the sea. The feel of hot sand beneath bare feet as a cool breeze flows all around them. Some people get in boats and traverse lagoons. Some get on donkeys or camels in strange towns full of people with different cultures and customs. Some willingly take themselves to a desert. Some climb mountains. Some take planes while others live for road trips. 

Me? Give me a good book, snacks and comforter and leave me in a corner. You’ll find me there when you get back.  

See, if I have to travel, I want to travel into the mind of an author. Into dystopian lands with dictators who all apparently wear all-white. Into alien civilizations where intergalactic travel is possible. Into alternate dimensions where magic rules and superpowers exist. Basically, I like reading about things that are literally never ever going to happen.  

Bitmoji Image

2. I have no hair.  

This is also not my fault. I blame my parents.  

As a firstborn son, there are things I did not get to do because I wanted to be a good example for my brothers. So I had to grow up really fast. I had to work hard in school, at home, do what mother and father tell me to do, avoid drugs and alcohol and so on.  

Most of these aren’t bad things but they did make me grow up. Now I have the body of a 26-year-old but the mind of a man in his 40s. Unfortunately, my scalp also thinks that I am in my 40s. How could it betray me like this?  

Bitmoji Image

Also… you know… genetics.  

But don’t get me wrong, I do have hair. However, there’s this spot at the top of my skull where the Lord focuses His favour and grace upon me that I have repeatedly asked Him to conceal but He hasn’t yet. Should I choose not to shave my head for a week, it looks like God is using a skin-coloured laser pointer as if He’s making a presentation to the angels.  

I imagine it like this: 

Gabriel: Hello Almighty King. Whom should we bless today?  

God: My son, Mark.  

Gabriel: Where is he?  

God: He’s over there. Writing a blog post on his phone because he was too lazy to start up his computer.  

Gabriel: Should we use the sniper rifle?  

God: Of course.  

Gabriel: Awesome!  

The Gabriel aims the blessing rifle using a laser pointer that deletes all the hair it touches and BOOM! Mark gets a blessing.  

At least that’s how imagine it. Why else would I have a bald spot?  

 

Scientists want to tell me that 30% of men lose their hair in their 20s and another 40% will have lost it by their 40s. So by this reasoning, I’m a head (haha 😂 puns) of the curve.  

But I like the angels with rifles story better.  

Bitmoji Image

Embracing my hair loss has been difficult though. Nobody has ever wanted to lose his hair. It’s depressingLike seriously. You feel devalued. Your friends and family are of no help and there’s absolutely nothing you can do.  

Male friends are the worst when it comes to hair loss. Especially if they have a full head of hair. Like “Yo! Man, you’re going bald! “ [insert laughter that pierces you to your core]. And you have to take the insult like a man because that’s what you are and society tells you that men should not appear weak or vulnerable. So you perfect the plastic smile while you die a little inside.  

What is self-esteem?  

Then you go on YouTube and you see videos like 10 Best Hairstyles for Men and bald isn’t one of them (never mind that most of them if not all of them are for wy-pipo).  

What is self-esteem?  

Then one day you decide to shave it all off. And people comment that you look weird.  

What is self-esteem?  

Being bald is a struggle. I should start an NGO.  

Bitmoji Image

It’s not all bad though. Eventually, you start to look better in your own eyes. You even appreciate that you don’t have to spend a second fixing your hair before you leave the house.  

What is shampoo? What is dandruff? 

Also, you stop caring about your hair. I haven’t yet but you will. And then with all this newly acquired confidence, you start to look more attractive to other people.  

At least that’s what they tell me.  

 

I still like the angels with rifles story better.  

BOOM! [Insert name here] gets blessed.  

 

Dedicated to all the men in the struggle.  

 


Now a word from our sponsor (it’s still me, ssshh) 

Bitmoji Image

If you enjoyed this post I’d like to know. Leave a like or a comment below. And share with your friends.

If you didn’t enjoy it, just leave a comment and maybe a sarcastic like. Share your thoughts on how the blog can be better. 

If you have a story you’d like to share here, inbox me. 

 

 

8 Comments

  1. Yo, awesome story mate! Fix the like button so that we don’t have to log in. And just LIKE that (see what I did?) you’ll get more up votes.

    Your blog is fun. Loved every second of the story

    3

Leave a Reply