New Year, New Me

On the first day of my 29th year, a Saturday in March, the sun rose in its usual fashion. The rays of it pierced through the blinds in my bedroom, signalling the start of a new day. Birds chirped outside singing their songs, probably complaining that it was too early for this. It was a beautiful morning. And on that morning, I almost died.

March has always held a special place in my heart. It is the month of my birth, my birthstone is an aquamarine – whatever that is – and it has long been a symbol of youth, health and hope. Its mesmerizing colour ranges from pale to deep blue and are reminiscent of the sea. So, there’s a bit of information that nobody needed. I was born on a perfect day, the 7th. 75 years before my emergence into the world, BMW was founded on the same day, which fuels my love for the German carmaker even more.

On this particular 7th of March, when BMW was celebrating 104 years of existence, I made a decision. A decision to get something I’ve always wanted to get. Something that has eluded me all these years. Something that all men want.

Abs.

accurate

So I woke up at 6:30 am, which is weird because a) it’s a freaking Saturday! and b) it’s my freaking birthday! But tough times call for tough people and as I did all the burpees in the world, my only thought was of results. It was gonna take some work to look like Ryan Reynolds but dammit this is the year that happens. The week preceding my birthday Eve and I decided to revamp our diet. We started incorporating whole foods, cereals, nuts and berries into our diet. Cutting out my beloved potatoes was the hardest thing in the world. Harder than burpees (and burpees are hard!) but it was time. We had a good run. We’ll see each other like once or twice a month instead of our regular 20 times. Ah, potatoes, my first love…

thinkin bout you

Anyway, because we had no room for bread in our lives, breakfast today would consist of sweet potatoes, eggs and black coffee. Which is a really sad state of affairs for someone’s birthday breakfast. I mean, where’s the cake? Where’s the chocolate? Where is the life? But we have to keep focus. Keep our eyes on the goal and the goal is abs so this was it.

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So, what ha-happened was… I was super hungry from all those burpees and the order of arrival of the food was sweet potato, then eggs and then coffee, just like I listed above. Now, my mind was telling me to slow down because sweet potatoes are not my mother. They don’t love me and will kill me without a second’s hesitation. But my body… my body was telling me to eat. And eat I did. Until my throat was overtaken by the devil. Peristalsis had stopped and my life flashed before my eyes.

I saw that one time when I was eight and my sister and I were riding our bikes and we did that you-go-that-way-I’ll-go-this-way dance till we collided in a mass of flailing limbs and metal. Secondly, I saw that other time when I was 12 and I shot a really awesome basketball shot while playing with my cousins and I farted so loudly as I did that I turned purple with a group of pandas. Then there was that time my friends got me drunk (on yet another birthday). I had turned 23 and I semi-passed out at a urinal as I peed while singing that J’s on my feet song. (There’s a picture btw). It’s funny that all I saw were embarrassing moments. Then I pictured my eulogy, someone saying that I left doing what I loved – eating. And people not believing that I was bested by a piece of potato. Eve was crying and vowing never to eat potatoes again and I just lay there in the casket with no abs.

Peristalsis resumed though and I was fine. I’m still fine. Ngwaci si mchezo lakini.

In other news, Eve baked me a carrot cake. It was lovely.

Have a great week.

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3 Comments

  1. “Eve was crying and vowing never to eat potatoes again and I just lay there in the casket with no abs.”
    I cry

    1

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