I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Mark, what kind of title is that?’ or ‘Mark, is that true?’ or ‘This better be an interesting story or I am never coming back here again.’
The last one hurts.
Last Friday was Valentine’s Day and I apologize for ruining some people’s love for wearing the colour red on that day. It wasn’t my intention to spoil your fun. The men’s conference (which I can’t believe is a thing) also happened last Friday. I saw some snippets of it online. Apparently, it was live? Wow! People can take a joke too far. I’m not negating the need for men to congregate and talk about their… feelings, but this conference hurt. It looked rushed. It looked like a parody. And no one even invited me!
If I were invited though, here’s what I would talk about. A topic that actually matters.
Yes, I am in fact not wearing any underwear at the moment. To be fair, I started writing this before getting in the shower. I was in a towel and no underpants were required, but then – this is how ideas form, people – I started thinking – this is a bad thing – why don’t some people put on underwear?
Now, because there is wifi in this house and I was bored, I went into a deep internet dive. First I searched for the term ‘Going Commando’ and I found its etymology. Turns out that it doesn’t mean what I thought it meant (all these years, yaani). I always thought that it meant that because commandos are elite soldiers, they are always ready to go into combat at a moment’s notice. So naturally going commando would mean that a man’s ‘soldier‘ would be ready to go ‘into battle‘ at a moment’s notice i.e. Not impeded by any fabric.
When you run that thought back though, it would also mean that that man had a perpetual erection which does not sound healthy. I think that’s what’s called priapism. Look it up.
The term refers to how soldiers don’t put on underwear because on the field they sweat a lot and often don’t have the time for showers. So to prevent skin eruptions and fungal infections they go underwear free. Also, apparently their uniforms are loose enough to allow for ease of movement so they aren’t out there in skinny jeans or stuff.
You can read more about that here.
So after my shower I set forth to do an experiment. An experiment that I will not repeat any time soon. I was about to go commando.
Shocking, I know.
Below I have outlined a few steps you should follow this path.
Step one. The colour of love.
Due to the sporadic nature of this experiment, I had to ditch the clothes I had set out for church. The light grey trouser I had planned for had to take a back seat as I replaced it with a clean pair of jeans. Dark jeans. We don’t want any unsavoury shadows or imprints in the service. Sitaki kuumiza waumini na vile huwa wanaombea mabwana.
So if you’re going underwear free, put on dark colours. Unless you want the world to see things.
Step two. Happy Thoughts
Think happy thoughts but not those happy thoughts. I was going to church, and in scripture, we are taught to set our minds on things above (Colossians 3:2). I tried my best to keep out of the Song of Songs territory. Again, waumini (me included) wasiumie. When those other happy thoughts came (because I’m a hotblooded young man) the good thing about denim is that it is a very very sturdy material.
NB: If you’re gonna go soldiering on into the world, I recommend denim or tough khakis. Dark colours. [See step one]
Step three. Walk like a champion
The weird thing about not wearing any underwear is that you know you’re not wearing any underwear. You find yourself adapting a super awkward walk and thinking that everyone can see your breakfast items (sausage and eggs). This is a lie from the evil one. No one knows anything. Took me a while to figure this one out though. I almost ran to the church. [For context, the church I go to is a 10 -minute walk from my house.]
Unless you’re wearing sweatpants. Don’t go skivvy-less in sweatpants. Those things hide nothing.
Step four. Wanna hear a joke?
There’s a joke I read in a Reader’s Digest when I was a teenager that I still remember.
Q: What has 42 teeth and can hold back The Incredible Hulk?
A: My zipper.
The zipper is a fickle thing yet it has immense power kind of like the tongue (James 3:5). Power to make you curse yourself and die. When you are sans boxers (or briefs or whatever), you should be wary of this thing. Take your time, make sure everything is in order before you zip up.
That’s a public service announcement.
Gentlemen, going underwear free is a choice. A personal preference. If you can do it, well and good. Just be mindful of how clean your pants are (because we don’t want any bacterial or fungal infections) and if you’re in a pair of shorts how you can give people a show should you happen to be posing at a balcony or stairs or something.
Me, I like underwear. I like knowing that my breakfast items have support and that random happy thoughts won’t be broadcast to the world.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Have a blessed week, guys.