The Death of a Houseplant

Hi guys. 

So, again, I haven’t been able to write much because of work. I never thought I would be that guy but life has dealt me these lemons and I need to make lemonade. Mostly because I like the comfort of water and electricity and a roof over my head. It’s the simple things. 

Fortunately, I married a wonderful woman. She’s got my bac-ulum. She wrote something on my behalf and I shall inject some snark here and there because it’s my blog and I can do whatever I like. I shall use square brackets and all caps 🧢 [LIKE THIS – BUT I’M NOT SHOUTING SO RELAX

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So, ladies and non-ladies… Heeeeeeere’s Eve. 

(PS: Be nice. We’re nice to visitors here) 



Hello, everyone. I begin with greetings juu sitaki kuambiwa ati sisalimiangi watu. 

Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived said “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise “(Proverbs 13:20). Well, I am married and living with a very wise man [INDEED] and tapping into his wisdom. 

Although, Mark occasionally features me here as the one who;

  • Refuses to help out in the kitchen on the weekends.
  • Puts the toilet paper the wrong way (but seriously who cares about this, si bora inafanya kazi ). [THERE ARE RULES ABOUT THIS
  • Got blamed for when he threw a whole cake in the garbage (Na nilikuwa salon hiyo siku).
  • Squeezes the toothpaste from wherever I please (hiyo argument ya toilet paper inaaply hapa pia).[I MEAN, COME ON

Na mengine mengi, which I refuse to comment on…Clearly a lot of money has been poured to tarnish my name. 

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One thing he leaves out though is the many times I decide to give him random scientific information that I read. My husband has taken up the famous Witcher quote “Mmmmh” whenever I give him these bits of info and I’m yet to determine if he actually listens. [I DON’T REALLY LISTEN

One of those is on houseplants, specifically succulents. It is said that succulents are favoured as houseplants for their attractiveness and ease of care. Okay, one thing you should know about me is that I love plants, specifically those that make my space look nice and inviting. Having forced my husband to watch a lot of interior design shows,  I was convinced that my house will be like a greenhouse with plants in every corner. And why not? It’s my house. [WELL, TECHNICALLY IT’S MY HOUSE. SHE JUST STAYS HERE RENT-FREE

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Now, you may be wondering why I decided to write. [BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME, DUH] It will be explained in a short while.  Chris Brown, our cat,  has been a joy to Mark and I. We’ll mostly to Mark [LIES!] as she seems to like and enjoy playtime with him more than with me. I’m not complaining lakini playtime yao ni kama vita and I don’t understand why she enjoys it so much. But that’s her preference. She is approximately 4 months old now and it has been a joy to watch her grow into her own character. 

When she arrived, she was this tiny and shy thing that would eat just about anything – hakuwa na ubaguzi. I remember one time we had boiled maize and she ate so much that it took three days to get it out of her system mostly by vomit since she couldn’t digest them. [GROSS] We have been adjusting her diet ever since to see what works. Recently my husband decided to be bougie and buy her cat food. Now Chris only accepts cat food and refuses to eat anything else. Hataki mashakura tena. Apart from this, she has become very confident, curious and playful. [MY WALLET HAS BECOME LESS CONFIDENT]

Now, as a good wife, I try to give quality time and attention to all in my household including my house plants. Hubby wasn’t fond of them ati juu they didn’t have flowers. He claims that for a plant to be attractive it has to have flowers. Flower-shaming my house plants. [OKAY, HOLD UP. HOLD UP. FIRST OF ALL, I DID NOT SAY THAT. I ONLY SAID THAT THE PLANT THAT SHE BROUGHT IN WASN’T A FLOWERING PLANT BECAUSE SHE REFERRED TO IT AS “ILE MAUA”. NOW, ME I’M A VERY LITERAL PERSON AND IF YOU CALL SOMETHING A MAUA, THEN IT HAS TO HAVE MAUA. AMA NAMNA GANI?]

Despite the hate and roasting, they were doing well and flourishing until a curious being began eyeing them.  I caught her several times sniffing and biting them and shooed her away. I even moved them to a different location to protect them lakini wapi.  u tried

So one Monday morning as I was taking my breakfast, I hear a loud thud coming from the bedroom. At first, I thought it was from the kitchen since that’s where most of the breakable stuff is. But when I went to check it out, I saw Chris, standing by the bedroom door as if trying to hide something and I got suspicious. Going into the room, I find my beloved houseplants on the floor, broken and dismantled, soil all over the place. Mind you I had just cleaned the whole house. Chris just stood there looking at me with innocent, cute eyes as I assessed her mess. 

Yaani my dream of having a house full of plants was shattered [LOL. LITERALLY]. So maneno ya breakfast iliishia hapo as I had to clean up the room and mourn my plant. I was hurting. Chris even had the audacity to play with the soil, spreading the dirt further and further in the room, adding salt to injury. I had to clean her up too. 

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hang in there

So this I why I decided to write today juu aki hakuna mwenye  anakumbuka hiyo maua [SEE?] kwa hii nyumba, ni mimi tu. My theory is that they both conspired to get rid of my plants. They had motives. My husband had seriously flower-shamed my plants and Chris wanted more attention for herself. Anyway, I am getting over the plants and the dreams of owning more plants. Masterminds wa hiyo hate crime wako tu hapa but they’re so cute I am unable to hold a grudge. Bitmoji Image

Why? Coz I’m a Succ-a for them. [HA – COZ THE THINGS WERE SUCCULENTS… PUNS ARE AMAZING

6 Comments

  1. Woishe poor houseplant😀 I told Eva that Chris will drop the plant or better off pee on it🙈 Anyway, Chris be nice😀.

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  2. Haya.

    Judge R is in the house.

    Based on the storos from both parties and a statement from CB and from Investigations from our Murder department, I hereby determine that this was an intentional murder on the plant😂😂

    Accused A and his accomplice are fined one week of household chores. And for causing emoshono trauma to the Plaintiff, Accused A and his accomplice are fined one apology dance.

    Case dismissed 😌

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